When I Get Old

I joke around that I’m an old 28 to which those who are younger respond by saying, “no, you’re not!” I think the say that because they know that they, too, will be my age one day. Those who are older — older as in 10-15-20 years my senior, not 30 or 31 — get a gleam in the eye as their mind begins reminiscing about their halcyon days from their 20s.

Having been the youngest person in the office the past seven years has allowed to take notes as to what not to be when I get older. Maybe it has more to do with the types of people in my office than it does with getting older, but either way, please God, don’t let me turn into:

• “Hums-To-Himself-Guy” – It’s one thing to hum or whistle the tune of a song that’s been stuck in your head since you got out of the car, but I find it disconcerting when you make up your own tune to hum while you file papers away into your desk. If you’re going to whistle or hum while you’re working, you better be doing some back-breaking work where you need some kind of diversion from your laborious toils.
• “Co-workers-Are-My-Friends-Guy” – Look, just because I put on this smile when I have to talk to you, or maybe I’ll even go so far as to ask you how your weekend was while pretending to listen and care about what you have to say when I’m really daydreaming about sex doesn’t mean you’re my friend. It’s bad enough that I have to spend eight freaking hours putting up with your constant attempts to strike up conversation, I mean can’t you tell by my dead-end responses I just want to be left alone?
• “Work-Is-My-Life-Guy” – You know the guy. He’s the one at the office who unlocks the door, turns on the lights, doesn’t take a lunch break, and is the last one to leave the office if he leaves at all. I understand that some people are required to work long hours for the job they have. I get that. This doesn’t apply to your hard-working, high-income-earning go-getters. This is the guy in my office toiling away at a dead-end job hoping that his hardwork will get recognized and earn a promotion to “Dead-End Level II.”
• “Office-Holiday-Party-Is-The-Highlight-Of-My-Year-Guy” – I’ll know I’ve hit rock bottom when I start looking forward to the Holiday Party. I’ll shoot myself if I end up talking about it afterwards. These people suck. Plain and simple. If you’re talking about being sore the next day from dancing at the Holiday Party, then you need to get out more often. These parties suck, and if you’re having fun, then it better be because you’re piss-ass-drunk. And if you’re piss-ass-drunk at the Holiday Party, then you’re an even bigger ass.
• “Casual-Friday-Hawaiian-Shirt-Guy” – I always thought Hawaiian shirts were for tourists, old surfers, fats dads, and Pacific-Islanders. I guess they pass for “casual” attire in the workplace too. Maybe when you’ve been all buttoned up in a shirt and tie all week, it must feel good to “hang loose” in a bright blue hibiscus shirt? Whatever.